Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree but also admitted it. Now, Joey, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

Joey: Because George still had the ax in his hand?
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The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either “Running” or “No Start.” On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body. Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car’s year, make and model, and then read the owner’s comments: “Please note — the radio does not work.”
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It never dawned on my brother and me just how small our hometown really is. But we found out when we drove past a marquee near the square.

It read “Support Our Troop.”
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I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State. Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills — which they said looked too much like junk mail — so we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before we made the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change. Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, “Is this some kind of joke?” When the customer threw his bill on the desk, I saw his point. The note was printed: “Coming Soon! New Larger Bills!”
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Decal on the door of a military base: “Freedom’s Door Is Open to Everyone.” Below it, another decal: “Authorized Personnel Only!”
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From this week’s church bulletin: “Coming up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.”
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The worst ad campaign ever, spotted at a Mexican fast-food restaurant: A sign behind the counter read “It’s a fact tacos is brain food.”
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My neighbor, Terry, a former high-school halfback, came home from combat duty in Afghanistan. He was excited to tell me that his unit had played a makeshift game of football. “Just don’t tell my mom,” he begged. “If she knew I was playing football she’d worry that I might reinjure my knee.”
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My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular “Ask Jeeves” site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, “It’s true, Mom. Think of something to ask it.”

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”
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After joining the Navy, my husband underwent a physical. During the exam, it was discovered that, due to a bum shoulder, he couldn’t fully extend his arms above his head. Perplexed, the doctor conferred with another physician. “Let him pass,” said the second doctor. “I don’t see any problems unless he has to surrender.”
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Stuck in traffic for what felt like eons, I couldn’t help but notice the license plate on the car in front of me. It read BAA BAA. I was clueless as to why they chose this — until I looked at the vehicle the plate was attached to: a black Jeep.
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The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker’s ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college. “This must be difficult to watch, Father,” I said. “The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”

“It’s worse than that,” the monk replied. “I think I left my Palm Pilot in there.”
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How do you stop a thief? This was the question that vexed my brother-in-law, a rugged Marine. Every morning he picked up coffee from Starbucks, and every morning that cup of coffee mysteriously disappeared from his desk. Although he never caught the bandit, he did resolve the matter. One morning, when all personnel were gathered for a staff meeting, he popped out the partial plate from his mouth and swished it around in his coffee before placing it back. His coffee was never stolen again.
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Is your business not getting noticed?
Then you need a catchy logo:

Our local window tinters tell it like it is: “We stick it where the sun shines.”
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One evening I was commenting on my bad exercise habits and tight clothes. Whenever I criticize myself, my four-year-old son always has something charming to say.

Using a new word this time, he smiled and said, “Oh, no, Mommy! You look flabulous!”
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In search of a new shower, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store. We discussed our needs in detail with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion. Later my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young woman was working as a waitress. As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear, “Hey, you’re the man who needs a shower.”
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Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin’ you! So hand over your money!
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As a customer service representative for a book publisher, I frequently received inquiries about the books put out by the company. I’d use my computer to search for the title, which was displayed on the screen with a list of related material for suggested reading. A customer once phoned and asked whether we published A Raisin in the Sun. When my computer concluded its search, I started to chuckle. Under “other suggested reading” was listed The Grapes of Wrath.
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My boyfriend and I met online and we’d been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up.
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Ever the geek, Hans naïvely replied, “I just used a regular 56K modem.”
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Guards escorted a handcuffed prisoner into the courtroom where I stood as the court deputy. “Is this a tough judge?” the prisoner asked.

“Yes,” the bailiff said. “A tough but fair judge.”

“Yeah? How tough?”

“The toughest judge since Pontius Pilate,” the bailiff replied.

“I don’t know him,” said the prisoner. “I’m not from around here.”
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The base’s public-address system is the simplest way to call the troops — just shout out the soldiers’ last names, tell them where they’re needed, and they’ll hustle right over. But there was some head-turning the day I summoned these two privates to assist the chaplain: “Pope, Paul, please report to the orderly room.”
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“As another year rolls in,” read an ad in our paper, “we”d like to offer our best wishes to all of you who have given us reason to celebrate.” It was signed “Gunter”s Funeral Homes.”
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When my daughter and I caught only one perch on our fishing trip—not enough for even a modest lunch—we decided to feed it to her two cats. She put our catch in their dish and watched as the two pampered pets sniffed at the fish but refused to eat it.

Thinking quickly, my daughter then picked up the dish, walked over to the electric can opener, ran it for a few seconds, then put the fish back down. The cats dug right in.
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From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: “Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan.”
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One day my wife and I came home to find a message from a friend of hers on our phone machine. She said she had applied for a job and needed a character reference—basically someone to verify she was honest and trustworthy—and had given the interviewer my wife’s name. Also, she said, there was a form for my wife to sign.

“But I couldn’t find you,” the friend concluded, “so I forged your signature.”
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An IBM exhibit in New York City portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating machines from the abacus to the computer. After completing the tour, I stopped at the reception desk to ask a question. There, a distinguished elderly gentleman was keeping track of the number of visitors in the old tried-and-true method of drawing IIII IIII on a sheet of paper.
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After someone stole my brown-bag lunch at work, I complained about it to my wife, who offered to make me something wonderful the next day. But as I pulled into the plant’s parking lot, I noticed a guy clearly down on his luck, so I gave him my lunch. I didn’t know there was a note from my wife in the bag: “I know who you are, and I know where you live!”
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My appointment as pastor coincided with the church’s appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane. Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the center page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to the top of the last page: “Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his family … the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full extent of the tragedy is not yet known.”
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After cashing a check at the bank, the woman in front of me stood staring at her money. “Did I give you enough back?” asked the teller. “Yes,” she said. “But barely.”
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I picked up the phone one day in the law office where I worked, and the caller asked to speak with an attorney. I didn’t recognize the voice, so I asked his name. He gave it to me, saying our office had just served him with divorce papers. I couldn’t place his name right away because this was a new case. Eager to talk, he blurted out, “I’m the despondent!”
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My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. “Things have gotten so bad,” she said, “I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?”

“That’s a serious matter,” came the reply. “I think you should consult another manicurist.”
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I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on base. So one morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with our instruments. Turns out one of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside For a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled. There was no arriving general — we had almost played for the weather forecast.
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My daughter Miranda works in a lingerie shop, and one evening a young man came in and asked for a job application. After he asked a few questions, Miranda explained the rules for male employees. “You can only work behind the cash register or in the stockroom,” she said. “You can’t wait on customers, or go into the changing areas. “By the way,” she added, “most of our customers don’t look like the models in the ads, but more like your mother.” With that, the young man tossed the application on the counter and walked out the door.

Adapted from Readerdigest.com